Adderall Is Not a Moral Failing
The myth that Adderall is unnecessary or simply used for recreation has incredibly destructive consequences.
I want to talk a bit about the medication stigma I faced when trying to get diagnosed and treated with ADHD, and why I have no patience whatsoever for anti-medication rhetoric no matter how it’s spun.
Firstly: no one is pushing ADHD medication or pain medication in the modern era. Quite the opposite. We have to fight tooth and nail to get even the barest amount of care we need.
Secondly, thinking you know better than a disabled person about what treatment they need or don’t need is ableism. Full stop. Even from other disabled people. If you don’t want medication, that’s great. Continue on. Do not comment on my choices for management of my symptoms.
After a long while and a huge amount of research, in late 2019 I realized I probably had ADHD. At the time I was working in a banquet kitchen, and the amount of times I would forget an ingredient, forget which step of a recipe I was on, misplace objects, etc, was causing problems. But I didn’t have health insurance. So I called a clinic and asked how much it may be to get tested. I was quoted $2000. So it wasn’t possible. In January I managed to get state insurance. Finally found a clinic that took it. Earliest appointment was in May. In March, the world shut down. At that time, I was doing a highly detailed, scientific data entry job. And it moved to home. I lived in a small, 2 bedroom apartment with four other people.
With my ADHD, my job became nearly impossible. I stressed constantly about the quality of my work and whether or So I got myself some Ritalin. It was better than nothing. It kept me in that job. I used it sparingly, only when I was desperate to meet my work quotas. But it helped. Finally my testing came around. I went through a battery of 9+ hours of cognitive testing. I was asked about my life story and all other conditions in detail. Results were processed. I scored in the 99th percentile for symptoms of ADHD in all categories. I met with my caseworker and she stated that they felt I did not qualify for an ADHD diagnosis. I asked why. She said that the psychologist who analyzed my results didn’t think I had ADHD “that severe” because I had a bachelors degree in science, and they felt I would not have been able to do that if my ADHD was “that bad”.
As it was, my undergrad experience had been hell because of ADHD. I argued that I was being penalized for hard work to overcome my ADHD in undergrad. She said that they also felt that my intelligence scores were too high to be consistent with an ADHD diagnosis. I pointed out that those have nothing to do with each other whatsoever. Even though I scored 99th percentile for symptoms, I also scored “average” or “above average” for my functional tests. Their argument was that I showed no diminished functioning. I pointed out that relative to my intelligence scores, those were very poor results. She conceded this, and brought up one final concern. My results for potential psychosis had to be thrown out because it was determined that I had “too many positive results”. This, in combination with my past diagnoses of BPD (which I now believe to be misdiagnosed) and PTSD led them to believe that I may have falsified results. I couldn’t believe it. I was staggered at the amount of ableism involved to assume 1) I couldn’t have ADHD because I was intelligent, 2) I couldn’t have ADHD because I had a degree, and 3) I couldn’t have ADHD because I was clearly crazy.
I fought, and I was able to fight, which meant that I was able to secure my diagnosis. With that, I attempted to go to a doctor to get medication. Due to Covid, my primary care physician was booked for a full year out. The earliest appointment I could get, with a random doctor, was months away. So I waited. And in the meantime, I had to continue doing my job from home. So I continued to do what I could to cope. Adderall worked much better than Ritalin. When my appointment finally rolled around, I was desperate for any medication assistance to maintain my job.
The doctor wanted to try me on Ritalin. I was honest and said I had tried it before and it didn’t work well for me, so could we try something else. I explained that due to COVID delays, I was afraid of losing my job, and losing my housing, without taking desperate measures.
The doctor condescendingly explained to me that what I’d done was irresponsible and dangerous. I reiterated that I knew that, but truly felt I’d had no other options. She reluctantly agreed to prescribe me a small dosage of Adderall. She also made a note in my file.
The dosage I received was laughably small. Definitely influenced by my “drug-seeking behavior”. I was too afraid of having even that small dose taken away to ask for more that I clearly needed. Work quality kept slipping.
I searched and found the only other psychiatrist covered by my state health insurance plan. He heard me out and tried me on something completely new. It was expensive. It gave me heart palpitations. It made my blood pressure tank so I passed out several times.
I was afraid to complain for fear of having my meds taken away. So I “coped” with it. Eventually I got new health insurance. With that, a new doctor. She believes me much more, but still is very cautious about medications in general.
She put me back on Adderall, but again a very small dose. In January I started working full time at a medical information company. This was repetitive, detail oriented work from home. Better because I’d moved to a better apartment. Worse because it was 8 hour shifts.
I got desperate enough to ask for more because my new job monitored my productivity and I was told to get my stats up or I’d be fired. My new doctor didn’t want to increase my dose, so she put me on something else. The new med interacted with my depression awfully. Got put back on Adderall after massive depressive episode. No change in dosage. I’m still there. It’s not nearly enough. I’m so afraid to ask. I hoard my boosters for when I have a deadline, so I can actually medicate myself in dire circumstances.
The daily dosage I have does almost nothing. I’m so tired of being treated like a liar, like an idiot, like a child for symptoms I can’t control and no one will allow me to treat.
The treatment is known, but I can’t have it because the ableism inherent in the medical system means that I can’t be trusted to know what I need to cope.
I was going to go to grad school. I was going to continue my career. I was going to become a researcher. I’ve been trying to learn to mourn the fact that things that I know I’m capable of are being denied me because I’m not considered an expert in my lived experience.
So now I work from home. I write. I have an Etsy. I’m managing to support myself that way. Because without effective medication, the possibility of me having a long-term 9–5 job without my anxiety, depression or PTSD literally killing me are remote.
Oh also; if you think those who are struggling with addiction or illicit drug usage are “bad people” rather than people for whom medical and social systems have failed catastrophically — fuck you from the bottom of my heart.
#Adderall allows me to be a functional, happy person. I am not responsible for the wealthy misusing a medication that is essential for me. The circumstances that the wealthy use to easily access and misuse Adderall are not common to the average person. Reject ableism.
Link to original thread here:
