So the fundamental issue I have with takes like this is that they are conflating systemic issues with individual ones. On a systemic level, those who claim to be trans must be believed, because they are the only experts on their lived experience, and anything but self-determination leads to eugenicist attempts to "prove" transness. Exploring why we think we are trans IS important, but it is also the place of the individual. Interrogating someone else as to why they believe they are trans is never acceptable.
I suppose I can appreciate the personal narratives you have provided, but I fail to see how these individuals being abusive people has anything whatsoever to do with their transness or lack thereof. Being a trans woman doesn't excuse abuse, or excuse lack of responsibility for children one has. Implying that it does is extremely harmful.
In every group, there will be harmful members. Expecting every member of a disadvantaged group to be a model human being in order to allow them to self-determine or achieve equality is a fallacious argument that only serves to perpetuate discrimination.
Telling me that "I like you as you are, in pain" is a false assumption when that is directly taken from MY lived experience, is an interesting take in a reply where your argument appears to be, "we can't assume trans people aren't simply lying to be abusive", which is incredibly assumptive, and is the exact rhetoric of our oppressors.
It isn't wrong to explore whether or not your pain is coming from a different place than being trans. But the difference is that, socially, culturally, and personally, we are absolutely inundated with the argument that being trans should be the last possible resort. The argument that trans people are simply "jumping to conclusions" denies self-determination, undermines individual rights, and is taken directly from the mouths of anti-trans rhetors.